Why We May Be Skipping Thanksgiving

The appearance of Christmas decorations everywhere on Nov. 1 caused me to think that the nation may be skipping Thanksgiving this year. Here are my top 10 reasons why this might be true:

10. No one has manufactured a lawn pilgrim so people put up their inflated snow globes to hide the dead grass created by their air pumpkins.

9. Drought in much of the country prevented leaves from turning color, thus creating a shortage of fall wreaths.

8. With the plethora of jack-o'-lantern carving contests throughout October, there are too few pumpkins left for Thanksgiving pies.

7. Most deer and turkeys are protected in wildlife sanctuaries, so there is little meat to roast.

6. Now that adults also celebrate Halloween, there are no extra calories left in people's November food allowance.

5. There is no music to download for Thanksgiving. Snow figures prominently in its one song, "Over the river and through the woods . . . ," but thanks to global warming, the song is no longer applicable.

4. Halloween's roots are pre-Christian, and Christmas began some 2,000 years ago. Thanksgiving is just too new a holiday to generate much excitement.

3. The early start of the 2008 presidential race has distorted time. Christmas must begin now if it is to be celebrated in full before the New Hampshire primary.

2. Giving thanks has gone the way of giving one's bus seat to the elderly and infirm. (Most people don't ride buses, you say? Exactly.)

1. President Bush warned on Oct. 17 that "the possibility that Iran has nuclear weapons puts us on the brink of World War III. I believe people started to pray like crazy for "Peace on Earth" then and retailers have just picked up on the vibes.